


Things Are Different Here, Intern Dave

by BadWolfBelle



Category: Homestuck, Night Valestuck - Fandom, Welcome to Night Vale
Genre: AWSEPSHION, Dude an au for an au, Gen, it's like auception, pronounce that
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-12-08
Updated: 2014-01-26
Packaged: 2018-01-04 00:14:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,204
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1074729
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BadWolfBelle/pseuds/BadWolfBelle
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Longest Surviving Intern at Night Vale Community Radio has a new adventure in a strange town.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Welcome to Desert Bluffs, Motherfucker

**Author's Note:**

  * For [corvusTempus (Empirate)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Empirate/gifts).
  * Inspired by [The Longest Surviving Intern at Night Vale Community Radio](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1051890) by [Empirate](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Empirate/pseuds/Empirate). 



> LOOK AT ME AGGRESSIVELY AVOIDING MY RESPONSIBILITIES
> 
> There's entire folders dedicated to Intern Friggin' Dave now. I totally blame the wonderful corvusTempus 100% for it. I'm an unpaid slave. Help me.
> 
> I tried. It's so late it's early and I did this instead of an essay. Have the thing anyway.
> 
> Because of reasons, Dave speaks in italics and other characters have their own denotations.

 

Good morning Desert Bluffs!

 

The suns are shining on another beautiful day! The shops are preparing to open, the helicopters are taking off, and the Strexcorp Tower glitters beautifully in the-

 

Oh? Who's this?

 

It appears that a totally restrained boy has been brought into my booth, listeners! He looks so... sad... I wonder what's happened to him? The Strexcorp Consensual Binding Tools seem to be reinforced at least doubly in ways I didn't think were possible- He must have been rescued from great perdition by our smiling god! What a great day to be this tall, blonde, blindfolded boy!

 

  
_Mnh_.

 

He's waking up, listeners. While he gets sorted, let's go to the Fanmail!

 

Steeve Carlsburg in Night Vale- oh, how I love this man and his radical opinions- writes to us today about something he terms 'partial reincarnation'. It seems that his Theory of the Week is, in his words, 'Originality is gone. Voices are invented. God is Dead.'

My, my, friend, you might want to lay down a while! Our god is alive and beaming down upon us, sharing his laughter with everyone on the Earth, as sure as my voice reaches all you listeners in Desert Bluffs, and as sure as Strexcorp is a globally expanding force for good!

 

  
_Cecil_?

 

It appears my guest has arisen! He seems to be looking for something.

 

_Cecil you haven't narrated me in months what the fuck is this what is wrong with your voice_

Who is Cecil? And, probably more importantly, who are you?

 

_Cecil quit fucking with me. If I had known you and Carlos were gonna tie me up and throw me into the Dog Park or whatever the shit you did, I wouldn't even have blinked._

 

I don't know what you're talking about, friend! My name is Kevin, and I've never seen you before in my life, but from what it sounds, this 'Cecil and Carlos' duo aren't very good friends... What is a 'Dog Park'? It even sounds strange. 'Dog paaaark. DOOOOooog Park. Dogpark.'

 

_Wha- Okay, okay. I've got me some fucking Walmart-brand crazy here, and it's kind of freaking me out. Kevin?_

Yes?

 

_My name is... Dirk. Would you please untie me?_

 

It's wonderful to meet you, Dirk! But I'm afraid I am completely unable to remove Strexcorp bindings, advertisement, or landmines! It's company policy. You need to wait for your trip to Glascow!

 

_Thanks, you're my big damn hero... How about just the blindfold, then? I always like to look at my friends. All the coolkids do it._

 

Well... It's not quite specified...If you insist.

[ruffling of fabric]

 

  
_...HOLYSHIT I mean...You've got a very interesting style, Kevin_. 

 

Why, thank you, Dirk! I do try. At this point, though, I need to continue my show! Your gagging will be prompt.

 

_It's like Crowley met up with Dali and they had a knifefight. Wha-MMPH_

  
[pointed struggling in the background]

Now listeners, I give you the traffic.

 

It seems that, though I am definitely mistaken, we are down a helicopter. Our chuckling protector wouldn't allow any ills to befall our beloved StrexCopters! 

 

Moving right along to the ground traffic, it seems almost like nobody is leaving the city today. They get on the road to, but at a certain point that seems to be advancing towards the city, the cars are simply... Gone, driver and all. We also have acquired some very strange chiled-sized shrubbery around the entire city that seems to uproot itself and MOVE periodically! What a miracle!

 

I'm sure it is nothing to worry about listeners! Our gleeful overseer casts a watchful eye over each and every one of us, and that is a shield in itself!

Now, Listeners, another issue is the bad dreams that have been running rampant throughout our fair town. It's an issue because you BELIEVE it's an issue. These dreams of our own inadequacies and terror-inspiring darkness are GIFTS from our beaming watcher. He is warning us of the violence of the world! Only our faith keeps is safe, listeners!

Not that that public service service announcement is over...

 

I give you the weather!

 

_You wish you could._

 

Wh- Oh, I am in so much trouble! They told me to watch you and you're out of your bonds! Diego will not be pleased with me...

 

_Which direction is Night Vale from here._

 

He's going to be so upset with me! They're going to send me to one of the floors and give me funny green stuff-

 

_YO, SOPOR-FILLED ZEALOT, WHERE IS NIGHT VALE_

you should be doing quite a bit of shutting up, motherfucker.

 

_Oh no. Not again._

 

YOU SHOULD BE UP AND RESPECTIN' THE MIRTHFUL MESSIAH

 

_Wearing a yellow-fucking-sweatervest. Jegus, Makara, when I thought you could go no lower. You're the Prospit one, aren't you._

 

you're kicking the wicked ignorance, brother.

 I AM THE ONLY GOD THIS WORLD KNOWS. I AM THE ONLY MAKARA.

kneel to your messiah, motherfucker, so i may spill your useless gray thinkpan all over my walls

AND SHOVE THE MIRTH DOWN YOUR DEAD UNDESERVING MOTHERFUCKING THROAT

honk

HONK

 

_Prospit. You must be the fucking dreameater Prospit one. Of course._

_The only good clown is a dead one, but you're kinda possessing a radio host. I mean, he's fit for fucking Arkham anyway, but that's a bit against principle, so. Shitty sword hilt for you._

_[loud thumping]_

_That will never not be satisfying._

_Listeners of Desert Bluffs, I must say- Your town sucks more than a sack of dicks. I mean really, not even John would have fun here._

_But to the real point: Carlsburg is right. Your god is dead. They say you can't keep down the clown, and my one win in this fucked-up game was actually introducing him to the pointy bit of my shitty katana a million times, but here he is._

_Your god is an unstable troll with homicidal sociopathic tendencies and a fucking weird love for some shitty soda that might still exist somehow- sorry about that. Why can't it ever be a troll I like. Or even one that's not 100% slashfilm. I mean-_

_[phone ringing]_

_You've got ten seconds of Strider._

_**Hey, mister Dave!** _

_Tamika. How are you, home girl?_

_**I'm calling to let you know that Night Vale is to the North.** _

_You're the best, wordwarrior. See you soon._

_**Sooner than you think! Your stuff is packed up at the edge of town! Good luck!** _

_[end call]_

_Welp. That does it for me in this shitfest of a town._

_Good fucking luck to us all. Goodbye Desert Bluffs, until the day that tower comes down._

_And... Goodbye, Makara, until I shove those chucklevoodos where NO sun shines. It will be sooner than you think._

_[door slamming]_


	2. A Cakeday For You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In a few words:  
> Dave looses his shit on the air  
> Carlos does something sneaky  
> Cecil is done with ringing phones

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BACK TO YOU FROM FINALS AND COLD AND HOLIDAY CHEER... ME!
> 
> i will try to be better about being dead.
> 
> Also, the minute I find something besides my mobile device to upload off of, my text will vomit rainbows I swear.

_You want me to do WHAT_

 

 

**Dave. You promised.**

 

_C'mon, Carlos, really. What's the next thing out of your mouth, 'for science'?_

 

**... Would that convince you? I could probably come up with something else if not.**

 

_Would that convince me to stick my head in the goddamn oven? I don't think so._

 

**That's not how things work here, and you know it. Ovens aren't hot. Come on and help me**.

 

_Junior's screaming and the wife's in tears, yo. Can't. Sorry._

 

**Cecil's gonna kill you if I die. it's the cold oven or the elderitch abomination.**

 

_Been there killed that they shouldn't have touched my sister._

 

**What**.

 

_Nevermind. How do you want me to do it, then_.

 

*

Anyone who feels scared in the light has obviously never been in the dark. Welcome to Night Vale.

 

Listeners, I'd like to start off tonight's broadcast with something a little bit different. Dave?

 

_Yo Night Vale._

_So since I am the most-loved-_

 

Ahem

 

- _most romantic-_

 

AHEM

 

_-and, of any outsider, have the most perfect hair-_

 

DAVE!

 

_Just kidding, Mister C. We all know you've got this indescribable bias towards Carlos. I get it. I show up to work every day and take the discrimination admirably. I want a raise._

 

You don't have a salary. Or, for that matter, a point.

 

_Your blush tells me everything I need to know._

 

Wha- Dave.

 

_Alright, alright, I'm done. To my actual point- Night Vale. My recent trip out into the Twilight Zone's Area 51 has thrown out a question._

 

_Why does everyone have a double._

 

_So to answer, i did what any good intern would do and i listened to the old broadcasts. Needless to say, I learned about the Danas and the everyone elses and what, right? And how 98% of you went Bizarro apeshit on your clone and murdered them in cold blood?_

 

_I restate my fuckin' topic. Why does everybody STILL have a double._

 

_I, of course, am no stranger to having a million useless (and probably dead) mes running around. Fact of my shitty little life, right? But, Listeners... I caught a pirate version of their shittyass broadcast that happened this morning. Everything's really really normal._

 

_Which is weird because I killed them all before I left._

 

_it appears that Desert Bluffs producing NightValians by the bucketful. I don't know how, but they're replacing themselves._

 

_Every time they come back, though, it's a little different._ _Like Old Man Joseph, or the NekoChan Follower with her Offensive Plastic Wig. Could someone explain to me why you peo-_

 

_[phone buzzes]_

 

_Ah- Sorry Mister C, that's me. It's probs of life and death importance or some shit. Do you mind?_

 

Why don't you just put them on the air?

 

_Because. I have hella strong self-restraint._

 

... Fine.

 

_Thanks. [door opens]_

 

I suppose we'll go to the-

 

[Dave, muffled]

_What do you mean by that._

 

-ity Council has bann-

 

_I know. Try again._

 

-Secret Police-

 

_You COULD do it the easy way, you know._

 

-the Tan Jacke-

 

_WAIT NO STOP_

 

-Omplexities of existence on this plane-

 

_...fuck._

 

-anyone caught with these or any related items will be summarily executed without trial. It would serve them right. Don't be one of /them/, listeners. This has been an important message. Dave!~

 

_Yeah, I'm coming, hold on. [door shuts_ ]

 

Who was it?

 

_My secret admirer. Who the hell do you th- No, Cecil, quit wiggling your eyebrows like that. It was a jok-_

 

DAAAAAAAAVEEEEEEEE~~~~~~~

 

_Oh jegus Cecil no it's not-_

 

Listeners, did you hear what I heard? Dave's got a girl!

 

_Cecil_.

 

Or a boy!

 

_CECIL._

 

Or some other sort of organic being!

 

_[phone buzzing]_

 

And there xe is again!

 

_Cecil, no. Seriously. You don't wanna go there. [door shuts]_

 

Well, Listeners, I'm glad our own Intern has found lov-

 

_WHAT JUST HAPPENED ARE YOU OKAY OH MY GO-_

 

Uh oh.

 

[door shuts]

 

And that, Listeners, has been... Uh... A word from our sponsors! Neat!

 

[stressed] _Do you want me to keep doing my thing?_

 

Go ahead.

 

_So I need means to an end, yo. How do we make incorrect doubles? How does a thing like that happen, barring Time Jackassery?_

 

_[phone buzzing]_

Dave

 

_I mean, shit, Night Vale. You've done some weird stuff, but I didn't think this was even a possibility for you. What exactly have you fucked up this time._

 

_[phone buzzing]_

 

Dave

 

_Come on, really. There have been some fucked up lines, but every me has been 100% USDA Dave. What is wrong with this damn universe?!_

 

_[phone]_

 

DAVE

 

_That's it. I'm done. See you later._

 

Dave, are you feeling okay? 

 

_Yeah, I'm fine. Things are happening. Elsewhere. Need to go. Now._

 

... Okay. Would you put on the weather first?

 

_Wouldn't dream of forgetting. Night Vale. I will leave you to the Weather. But not right now._

_[door slams]_

 

DAVE WAI- ugh. I wonder where he went. It seemed important. If he left to see his interest, would we have to fire him? I'd have to ask station management...

 

[station phone rings]

 

This phone just can't stay still today! NVCR.

 

**Cecil.**

 

Carlos?! What's wrong?!

 

**Nothing. At least not yet.**

 

What is wrong with everyone today?! There wasn't even any news to report! No traffic! No mayoral candidates said anything snarky! The 'important message' was just some fluff that nobody really cares about anyway! And all the information I'm betting is cryptic and nonsensical! WE DIDN'T EVEN HAVE THE WEATHER

 

**Cecil, you should leave the ranting to Dave. Just... For future reference.**

 

Why?!

 

_Because I wear it better, yo. No bitch can steal this look. I got it from the best._

 

Carlos why did you steal my intern 

 

**... For science?!**

_(Dammit Carlos.)_

 

You mean you've been the one phoning him. The entire broadcast. If you wanted to take a break you could have called ME!

 

_**Dammit Cecil.** _ **Have you noticed that nobody is listening? You've said 'Listeners' about eight times but you can feel they're not out there. Not even solipsism could explain the dead-ish air... I can, though.**

 

**But anyway. Do you know what today is?**

 

Uh... December something. Why?

 

**Today is December 18.**

 

Oh.

 

**And we remembered.**

 

Oh?

 

_And we did a thing, yo! Happy "You're-The-Radio-Host-Now" Anniversary!_

 

Oh!! Neat!!! I can't believe I forgot! I was gonna miss The Day! No wonder there's no news today! Everyone's out there! Foolish Cecil! Hahah- 

 

[quiet]

( _You owe me a dollar, Carlos.)_

_**(Yeah, fine.)** _

 

You guys are the best! It's just so neat! It would have flown right by me!

 

[quiet]

( _Two dollars.)_

 

I am so excited! And to think I got mad! You guys are so neat!

 

[somewhat louder]

( _Three dolla' Three dolla')_

 

I can't get over how neat it is!

 

[rhythmically]

( _Three dolla' FOUR!)_

 

But where are you?

 

**Ehhhh... Raydon Canyon.**

 

Why?

 

**Because we needed it.**

 

Why?

 

**To cook the COMPLETELY WHEAT FREE ONE-HUNDRED PERCENT NON-CONTRABAND PIZZA SUBSTITUTE and also the cake.**

 

So you not only threw a party, but you made me [whispers] real food?

 

_[quiet]_

_(oh_

 

_Oh_

 

_OH!_

 

_Here it comes!)_

 

NEAT!

 

( _[distantly]_

_GOOOOOOOOOL!! And five makes-)_

 

_**([sigh]** _

_**Five makes my car keys.)** _

 

_([jingle]_

_Wonderful doing business with you.)_

 

_[actually into the phone what]_

 

_Mister C. Close the show. We can lead out with the Weather._

 

Okay! Listeners, wether we are gathered together or spread across the land, our lives are destined to affect one another. There is the happiness of celebration and the horrible emptiness of loss that we share, and in our emotions we are all the same. Though we look different in the sun or in the alley, it would do you well to remember: Anyone who has ever warned you against the dark has obviously never looked into the light. I leave you to the Weather. Goodnight, Night Vale.

 

( _Sweet. Let's go get your boyfriend, Carlos.)_

 

_**(Can I drive?)** _

 

_(Hell no.)_

 

_NightVale, if you can still hear me, this is a hella rad intro to:_

 

_[the weather]_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Carlos was totally attacked by Telly the Barber. Just saying.


	3. A Mean, Green Mother From Outer Space

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Sburb's final battle is rewound for Cecil's Nightmare Fuel.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Or:
> 
> In which Homestuck is summarized by everyone dying a terrible death.
> 
> Call 911. I updated.
> 
> Have a longass chapter to make up for my absence.
> 
> Spelling errors and continuity hiccups: likely.
> 
> As my wifi is acting all fucked up, the ending is not formatted properly. It's easy enough to tell who's who, but be advised anyway.
> 
> Trigger warning written by Sarathewise: WILL RIP YOUR HEART OUT AND SMASH IT TO PEICES AS IF YOU ARE ARADIABOT AND IT IS YOUR HAND. I'm gonna cry. You should be proud of yourself, because I have seen and read my fair share of sadstuck and it takes a lot to make me cry. You've officially accomplished something even homestuck didn't. I don't even know if Hussies fucked up mind can think of something that horrible. 
> 
> (Am I proud or ashamed? Por que no los dos?)
> 
> ((Because I dont have an upside down question mark is por que.))

 

 

 

 

 

 

_...And wherever those crazy kids are, I hope they had a fuckin' great time. I'd tell ya what's up next, Night Vale, but Mister C didn't leave a note and Station Management is sleeping... Daniel's not even here. Hunh. I guess you can tune in to a repeat of this, Dave's first solo-show, mostly the same and just as great but somehow slightly different._

_It's a bit like life, isn't it._

_Have a good night, Night VaWHAT THE FUCK_

_[door slams]_

DAVE!

_Yeah. Still here. No thanks to that heart attack you just fucking gave me._

...The hearts aren't attacking. That's in February. But that's beside the point! Dave, there's a monster!!

_Yeah. We live in Night Vale. What more could you want? Shitty B-movie explosions?_

-but this one is different, Dave! It's weird!!

_Weird like 'WheatSnake', weird like 'Hooded Figure', or weird like 'Juggalo Troll'? There's too many levels of weird here._

Just weird!

_For the most descriptive man in Night Vale you are being hella vague. What kind of monster?_

I don't know... Dave, I'm scared... I think it got... It got Carlos...

_Cecil, nothing got Carlos, probably. I'll call him. On the air if it would make you feel better. Perfect audio from your perfect Carlos. He's probably doing the science-y thing in the lab by now._

Yeah?

_Yea-_

WE'RE SORRY YOUR CALL CANNOT BE COMPLETED AS DIALED PLEASE HANG UP AND TRY AGAIN

_what_

THE NUMBER YOU HAVE TRIED TO REACH IS OUT OF S-

_The shit_

WE'RE SORR-

_Is this._

YOU ARE OUTSIDE OF YOUR MOTHERFUCKIN' COVERAGE AREA.

_Fuck._

Dav-

_[growling, roaring, screaming: Deeper into the station]_

_Fuck. Of all the kinds of monster. Fuckity fucking fuck! Fuck it. Fuck this. Fuck everything either side of Sharkboy. Fuckdammit. I thought I was DONE WITH THIS BULLSHIT._

Dave!

_What._

What was that!?

_That's the goddamn monster at the end of this book, and we're running out of pages. Again._

_...There goes the portal into Skaia. Our only possible escape. Broken like a window._

_[shattering glass]_

What do we do?!

_If I knew I guarantee I would not be a fucking intern at a radio station in Weirdsville._

_He's gonna flip the Battleship Condescension, now. He turns it like it was nothing. He didn't have to, either, but I was pissing my pants... He was miffed at her, miffed at Condy, so he turned over her little toy. Her heavily armored, revolution stopping, galaxyhopping battleship._

_Going up against that? The raw power alone? Our fuckin' plan was gonna make the Hindenburg look like a Christmas Cracker gone wrong._

_[clatter]_

_Up in smoke. Just like everything else._

Shouldn't we try to leave?

_No point. We can't outrun the bastard... He's already here. He's already here. He's here and he's seen us. He didn't even bother roaring at us or anything. What a fucking gimmick, man._

_[Stomping. The building shakes.]_

And why is that?!

_Mister C. I'm really sorry. But this is something I'm gonna have to narrate._

_That mean, green mother from outer space is why I'm here. It killed my friends and ended my game. It forced me to-_

_[screaming]_

_-watch it a million times. And now again._

Dave?! Who is this?!

_I imagine there's an asshat in a purple outfit there. He's smiling like he just escaped the looney bin and flew over the goddamn cuckoo's nest in one shot. And he's waving. And it looks like he's gonna tear your throat out. And his hands are covered in this red, drippy stuff that looks like something Egbert would squeese a fake capsule thing for but for real._

Good description.

_Yeah. That motherfucker is called Gamzee. He isn't the only one like him around._

Oh?

_Oh is right. There's like three. And they're all fuckups. They weren't... Written right, I guess. Corrupted coding, I guess... Which is why you see him too-_

_[shrieking]_

  
_-and why he does that. If you weren't here, it would be something to the approximation of '_ shut your whore mouth motherfucker before I make you like your lusus' _in Alternian. Which I speak anyway. You dense motherfucker. How the hell else would I read Karkat's quadrant trash, man._

_[shrieking]_

_Go pail yourself, because Gog knows we ain't black and nobody wants your ass anywhere else._

Dave?

_Nothing. He's the only thing from then not on a loop. Apparently this one's defective, on top of being a psycho.The yellow one is the smiling god of strexcorp._

What

_Sorry. Spoiler alert._

What

_This one won't go away until I follow him, basically._

Is he gonna lead you deeper into the station.

_Yep._

Are you gonna be in danger.

_Gamzee's an atom bomb all by himself. Tell Junior to start packing. Anything else?_

...Are you gonna have to kill the monster?

_... No. I can't do anything but watch. You can stay here if you like._

Not a chance. 

 

_[footsteps]_

_Anyway, This is called 'Residual Chucklevoodos' or whatever bullshit name I decide to give it. Basically it wont go away until I look at it enough... A little like them desperate babes who want a lil'  Strider of their own. Unlike said chicks, however... They are all the fault of aforementioned asshat and his hate for the color red._

_[shrieking]_

_Yeah yeah I know of your fucking blackbulge for me._

_[agitated shrieking]_

_Yeah yeah mirthful messiahs gonna kick my ass what else is new. Now, I don't know if he can't see you or just flat out doesn't give a fuck, Mister C. Both are equally likely. Not sure which one is worse. Take your gambles there._

_But either way, welcome to Skaia._

Dave.... This is gorgeous. 

_Rose had the biggest chessboner when she first saw it. I sort of wish we were able to play the game out of the box... It would have been fuckin' amazing to see._

_Without all this._

Without all...?

_Wait for it._

_[shrieking; popping]_

Dave?!?

_Yeah. here's the final endgame, frozen for your convenience. Opposition: Condy, this little bitch Aranea because she's just in the way (pictured here standing in front of HIC and pissing herself), Jane Crocker but because of reason, and the owner of the shadow we're standing in._

_Y'know, I never thought I'd literally be in his shadow. And look up at him. This huge fucking bastard. When did I become a character in attack on titan._

_Anyway, there's us. These little blips of color around here._

Who are they?

_Well, there's kind of a bunch of us and it's a complicated story of how it came to happen. The grey, horned ones are trolls. Everyone else who isn't pink and squishy is probably a cherub...  Now, The ending is best told in sections._

Is it. Go on.

 

_The douthebag Mage of Doom in those bushes over there- guy called Thollux- is trying to hack SpaceTitanic._

But didn't you say that flipped?

 

_I did. Sollux is also blind. This lines up into something._

_[crash and clatter]_

_Instant grubsauce. None of us could even react- how were we supposed to expect that? All we did was watch the fucking boat fly through the air until it didn't and then that FUCKING SHIP KILLED HIM LIKE IT KILLED PSIIONIC. There was nothing else._

Psiionic?

_His enslaved ancestor, aka the CPU of Condy's ship for like millennia. He had very powerful telekinetic lightning shit, just like Sollux. It sucked because that was probably going to be Sollux too, had they not played. He swore to us that he wouldn't go out like that..._

Dave?

_Yeah sorry. Anyway._

_Aradia- Maid of Time, in red over there- moved first. She was his girlfriend, and well..._

_[female screaming/ furious musicboxing]_

_She didn't take it too well. She spent years dead, months as a frogspirit, a ton of fucking time in a blueblood robot with no heart, and she just got her life back like twoish years ago. And even then Sollux was almost dead. Jesus._

Why didn't she just do your... Timey thing? It seems pretty powerful.

 

_Well, this battle was and is timelocked. No gobacks and no doovers- just linejumping, which does fuckall good. We were barely sure we were the alpha timeline, and all our assuredness went out the window when English took the field. We might as well have been human._

_[distorted music]_

_An upset Maid of Time is not a good thing, though. She flipped her time-related shit, actually, and..._

_[violent music-boxing]_

_She started fucking with the timestream. Which, I mean, big deal, right. But she wasn't paying enough attention to the rest of us. Remember her._

Okay... Who is she?

_Who, there's like twelve chicks running around._

...That one. She could be your sister.

_... Oh. That's Rose. Rose Lalonde. And she is._

_She is the Seer of Light. In this game, Light can be equated to luck. She is supposed to be on the lookout for Aranea._

The one in the pirate jacket.

_Yeah. That piratey upstart is the Sylph of Light, and her doing anything could end up fucking us all over. Rose was supposed to See it._

_The other two ladies are Jade and Kanaya, best friend and girlfriend to my sis respectively._

Wait

_Yeah. You're right. Jade's got dog-ears+tail, which is also a long story. She dated one of me, he was a bird. Kanaya's the one with horns._

Okay _._

_They are the Witch and Sylph of Space, also respectively. So basically Jade was ripping holes in the universe and Kan was sewing them up._

Why.

_Because Calliope, who was our planned ace-in-the-hole, and Lord English's foil, was the Muse of Space. The reason Aranea's such a bitch is that she's a ghost who stole My Precious and got alive again, which was our playout for Callie to come back and own English's punk ass._

_Without the ring, Callie wasn't able to enter Skaia in time. We didn't even get a look at her. Just a basic knowledge that she was there._

And the portal shattered.

_Yes. They're trying to pull her in. It's not easy._

_Especially since Rose is shitfaced._

_Anyway. So Jade and Kan tearing it up, right? Rose is around because if Aranea fucks with the shit, she'd See. Seer of light. Seer of luck. Seer of THIS FUCKING BULLSHIT-_

_But Aranea had a lucky 8r8k. And it wasn't Seen._

How are you doing that. 

_What._

...nevermind. What does that mean.

 

_If Calliope showed up, we would have retched the ring from her cold dead hand. Somehow. It would have played out._

_'Luckily' for her, it did not._

_[screaming]_

_Their paths crossed._

_They weren't supposed to._

_Kanaya sealed Jade into the Spacestream, basically spreading her across the dimensions. Like imploding._

_Jade did the same. She tore into Kanaya. She exploded through whatever bullshit dimensional barriers were still standing._

_And suddenly they were gone. Pop!_

_[pop]_

_And the seal isn't even perfect._

Oh my.

_We haven't even started. Rose... Started laughing. Her girlfriend and best friend dead and she starts splitting her sides. It was... Something someone should have picked up on. My bad. But so much worse..._

Hey Dave. Who's she? Dragon-hood girl. 

_That is Terezi Pyrope. Seer of Mind. Up until recently, she was blind and did a synthensia thing. Now it's not so. Which is directly Gamzee's fault and made possible by Aranea's skill. As Sylph of Light._

_Anyway, Terezi picked up on Rose first. But not yet._

_Right now, she's chasing Gamzee. The one that belongs in this timeline. Not the particular asshat who brought us here._

Explain this guy to me. Gamzee.

_Well, y'see, that's a bit touchy. Needs a little physics to make sense._

_different timelines are different versions of the same universe. So being a Time player is like having a bunch of chess sets, all identical, and playing the game through. Goal: to win._

_If...When, we get checkmated, the Time player stops that game by dooming the timeline. He's not the 'alpha' anymore, but he closes his board. The timeline decays and disappears, to final frontiers unknown. And then he goes to advise the next guy in line- Him again- Stop him from making the same mistake._

_Of course, every board's play is different. Every loss is unique. Most of them show up in the Alpha Timeline... Fucking photoshopped in. Layers upon layers upon layers._

So there are a lot of not-people, but only Daves and Aradias and such play on?

_Yeah, basically. And all games in progress have the same starting set, like checkpoints. We checkpointed when the portal broke, by the way. There are very few different versions of Caliborn, who is like baby Antichrist, but there is only one Lord English. This one. Omnipresence sucks because we're holding him here by locking the whole line system- bits of him making the whole are trapped everywhere._

Hunh?

_It's like that time you texted Dana and your phone exploded so you taped it back together. Many little bits, which form your whole screen. All trapped on that piece of tape. Each line is holding one little bit._

Ah!

_But relevant: There's a John and a Dave and a Rose and an everyone else in every line.  They're all the same person, basically, but the exact events and playouts differ. They might have died, might be crazy, might be alive. Whatever, right? Point is there's a set of characters for every line, and whatever happens to them happens, timeline doomed or not, or whatever._

_Almost, anyway. There is one iteration of Gamzee. There are, however, several versions of Gamzee. Locked line rules apparently don't apply._

Hunh?

_Well, we have the Gamzee who came in. That one, running from Terezi at full tilt. SBURB, the game Skaia is in, and where we are looking now, makes a dreamself for every player, either Prospit or Derse... His is Prospit yellow. Which is yellow Strexcorp smiling god, to you._

So?

_Well, Gamzee's never died. He's in all the timelines. He's a constant. It makes me uneasy, since it's always the same fucker. Not same piece different set, but the exact same asshat every time. He's everywhere._

_Omnipresent._

_But not._

_How does that even work?!_

_But that runner runner is the Gamzee originated by this timeline. He 'belongs', he entered this game with the others. That much I can tell._

Why is Terezi chasing him?

 

_earlier in their game, he flipped out, basically, and killed a bunch of their friends. He used to be... Well, you'll see._

_Anyway, trolls have 'kismises' which are..._

Rivals that hatesnog occasionally.

 

_Wha-_

I borrowed your book. The one with the longest title. Sorry. 

 

_That book is written in a fuckin' alien language._

It's the same language the Eternal scouts write in, not that big a deal... So him and Terezi? Really? That can't have worked.

_Eternal scouts? I didnt know they sent mail._

Oh yeah. All sorts of things show up at the station. Do you have the sequel?

_Hell yeah. I keep the rest of them in the apartment. Karka-_

_[shrieking]_

What do you want?

_It's not his turn yet._

_But anyway... The relationship...didn't. He's too... apathetic? I doubt she could actually kill him, immortal clown shit notwithstanding. He's kinda rolling with this to make her hate herself more, and it's working. Which is why she isn't paying attention._

_The black ruse is just... a distraction._

Wow.

_Yeah._

_So she's out of that picture._

_[loudly]_

_HEY. MOVE._

_[swoosh]_

_So here we are. These four characters are a product of special weird time shit._

_Basically they're alternate versions of the people who raised us, and we are alternates of the people who raised them._

Like a negative.

_Yeah, exactly. Creating that entire sideuniverse was a byproduct of saving ourselves, earlier._

_They started a separate game from ours, but we are technically one session. We played the Beta of the game, and they played the Alpha. We're two halves of one record; each a B-side._

_So that's Adventure John... Err, Jake. In the yellow... Outfit. Page of Hope. Jade's weird grandad_

_Young Bro is in the pink poof pants as the Prince of Heart._

_Mom Lalonde is still drunk. She's in blue and the Rogue of Void._

_And, well... Jane Crocker._

_She should be John's Nanna, but the thing is that Condy has her mindcontrolled. She's Crockertier. Her outfit as the Maid of Life should be brown, but it isn't. It's corrupted. Red. Her and her 2x3 prong weren't to be taken lightly, but they probably could have won her back._

_It doesn't matter, though._

Why not?

_You see that highblooded jackass running towards them?_

Yeah.

_Do you see the other two copies of the highblooded jackass also running in that direction?_

Oh no.

_Yeah. The dreamself and the actual self being aware at the same time can actually be pretty dangerous to the timestream alone. Them meeting could fuck up some MAJOR SHIT._

_As in, collapse the game shit._

... And the third one?

_I have no clue. Just... Another. There. I'm still not absolutely sure of him. Like, he's organic, from this game, but he's just... Different._

_Either way. I was occupied..._

_[shriek]_

_Which is later. And Aradia, who was supposed to be helping me slash watching other things, is busy crumpling up this, the most viable timestream._

_So this was allowed to happen, I guess. My bad._

Wouldn't it be the big guy's bad? He is probably a time player, isnt he?

_He is. Lord of Time._

_But the thing is this asshole hates Gamzee. With a fiery burning passion._

_And Aradia was just trying to bring her boyfriend back._

_I should have been on it._

_I should have seen this-_

_[shouting; battle]_

_-coming-_

_[Alternian screams]_

_-from a mile-_

_[squish]_

_-away._

_Paradox space was being overloaded. Couldn't render things that more than one version of Gamzee touched very well... Like a coding error . So after they got tagged, paradox space kinda ditched them a little._

Oh my god.

_Y'see, exactly. it usually wouldn't fucking matter. Death isn't a big fucking deal. We, with very few exceptions, were conditionally immortal. We died on a Quest Bed and our dreamself took up our spot with bonuses._

_This battle was dangerous because our deaths were practically guaranteed to be either Heroic or Just, which are literally the only two exceptions._

_But.. Not anymore, for them at least. Four human kids. Thanks, paradox space._

And then?

_Residual Chucklevoodoos._

_The Gamzees straight up ditched the Alpha kid scene, but all Terezi could see was them standing there, mocking her. Three. And a someone else._

_They never even saw her coming. They weren't even facing her!_

_She went through Jake with no effort. Her sword chopped through his spine... She stepped on his glasses. Which seemed to be a thing she had done before._

Hmm?

_Well... There were 12 trolls to start, with one Gamzee counted. Of them, six made it here, and of them only Aradia and Kanaya are gods. Gamzee faked it, for the record._

_Anyway, remember how I said we made the alpha kids to save ourselves?_

Yeah.

_Basic summary is that Aranea and another girl here is a member of the group called the Dancestors. They're effectively the Beta group, from Beforus._

_Well, our set of trolls was meant to be the 'Alpha'. And they were. More prepared, better balanced. Everything._

_But the world was ugly._

_The mirrored Beta trolls were the Ancestors. Psiionic was one- Sollux's._

_Anyway, the set of Ancestors were either murderous bastards, fucking crazy, or revolutionaries. Very few inbetweens._

What, hemospectrum strife?

_Yes._

_Of them, Gamzee's ancestor killed Kar[shriek], this girl Feferi's, also known as Condy, killed Sharkboy's (his name is Eridan, and his ancestor killed Kanaya's) as well as Aradia's. Mindfang, Vriska's pirate ancestor, who was Aranea in her Beta form, killed Redglare, Terezi's ancestor. Mindfang was killed by another boy's ancestor, Tavros'._

Where are any of these people?

_Well, here's where it gets interesting._

_Vriska killed Tavros, avenging Mindfang._

_Terezi killed Vriska, avenging Redglare._

_Eridan killed Feferi, avenging Dualscar._

_Kanaya killed Eridan, avenging la Dolorosa._

_Paradox space is enamored with mirrors. Everyone who lived back then died now._

_After Terezi stabbed through Vriska's spine, and it was called Just, she stepped on her glasses. It wasn't intentional that time. It was here._

_In the present, Bro and Roxy tried to save him but it was way too late. Jane didnt take it well. Neither did Aranea._

Quadrants?

 

_Flush-crusher unreciprocated  and using-you-for-a-gamebreaking-powergrab, respectively._

Does it ever end.

 

_Eventually. I'm running out of lives._

_Anyway, Jane's GawdTeer power was to give people a oneup, and everybody only had one. Jake still had his. She was the first one to realize they were fully human again when she tried .. And she was terrified._

_The Crockertier outfit started to dissolve. Like breaking mirrors in Inception. The mindcontrol tiara went with it, but Bro and Roxy were fighting Terezi and not paying attention to her anyway..._

_Jane ditcher her fork and started WALING on Terezi. Fists, fair game. I am one-hundred percent sure that Lalonde prime taught Nana how to throw a punch, since the Rogue of Void doesn't need a weapon, anyhow._

_But Terezi wasn't laying down._

_She threw- fucking threw, goddamn Terezi like the shortest one threw- Jane. Nanna Prime took the hit admirably, but then Aranea and Rose arrive._

_Roxy runs to Rose, being that they're eachother's mother._

_Terezi tries to tackle her._

Roxy?

_Yeah. And I wish she had managed. So Roxy hugs her mom, right?_

_[female screaming]_

_Rose stabbed her. In the fucking back. Why. Why would she do that. Why. Why. Why. Dammit, Rose, why._

_And just as quickly as she does that, Rose drops her._

_Of course, Roxy falls. Bro catches her, kinda. He's the only one to move. Everyone else is just horrified. Even Aranea stops short for a minute._

_And there's Rose. Laughing again._

_It's Just when she stabs herself- she kills herself why the fuck- and then she dies. Justly. Roxy's there coughing up blood in Dirk's arms and watching this and why._

_Aranea had a little petty score to settle, though, so she starts starts attacking Jane, who's best friend is literally dying of a mortal wound that she can't fix anymore, on top of her dead flushcrush. Because I mean, FUCK respect, right? Just another weird and strange and unfair thing! No big!_

_Aranea doesn't care._

_So she's doing whatever she does. Pacifist my ASS. I dont even know what to call that stupid thing she's using._

_But everybody's too busy to watch Condy. She literally sa-fucking-shays out to Aranea and just spirits her away. Picks her up like a punkass toddler, under one arm. Then the Fishwoman looks at Jane and just tears her heart out. Literally. Janey janey janey._

_She looks down at Bro, at Dirk, and just laughs. She's got a bigger fish to fry. I didn't think he knew she was there. As Empress and fuchsiablooded, she's had all her friends fall around her before... But this was her enemy. It's funny when it's someone else._

_And Roxy was still dying._

...I'm a bit confused. Are they flushed?

_Oh. No._

_Bro was in a strange flushed relationship with Jake._

_But the Alphaverse was taken over by this very same Condy in the distant post-apocalypse future. Two humans left: Dirk and Roxy._

_They were pale, I guess you could say, but Roxy was like that with everybody._

_And now she's dead._

_Dirk flipped his shit. He rushed Condy with a shitty katana. And won._

_He caught her._

_[wet thump]_

_He lopped her fucking head off. It was so fucking simple. He just took a swing at this seven foot tall woman who could rip his heart out with no trouble and lops her head off like nothing. Did something AlphaRose and AlphaMe couldn't do together, in a single swing._

Wow.

 

_He threw her head at Aranea, who abandoned the fuck out of that scene._

_It hit her in the back and dropped her into the last section of the story, where he followed._

_And here we reach the heart._

_We began in the middle and learned the beginning, and here is the end taking care of itself._

_Players:_

_Me. I'm flying around, trying to keep the seal whole, so I don't really have a precise location._

_Karkat Vantas, Knight of Blood, kindest asshole you'll ever meet. He's the napoloenic assbutt right there._

_Meenah Peixes, Thief of Life, and beta Condy. She's really thug but also pretty chill._

_... And little boy blue. John Egbert, Heir of Breath amateur prankster and my... Heh. My Carlos._

Oh.

_Oh. Yeah._

_John was the first God-Tier, out of all of us, except Vriska, I think. I never met her, so I couldn't really tell you. Karkat never went god-tier._

Why not?

_He opted out._

_He's a mutant. Direct descendant of the Sufferer, identical to the Signless. His wings would have betrayed his secret. Candy red fucking secret._

No. Really?!

 

_Yeah. Really._

_Anyway, Meenah's dead but she went godtier first and you kinda know I'm a god._

How, if I can ask?

 

_Me and Rose were told if we went on a suicide run and blew up a giant bomb in the middle of Derse, it would prevent Lord English from ever showing up._

_We blew up the Tumor. It created Lord English. The last seal, broken._

Woah.

 

_Yeah. Luckily, there's a Crypt Bed, which is identical to a Quest Bed, for every player in their moon. Workaround for if our planets are ever decimated, or if your dreamself is already dead._

_That was years ago in terms of real time, I think. I'm not sure._

You don't know how long you've been a god?

_Time is relative and also a bitchy medium. Sue me._

Kay. Hey, where's Terezi?

_She and Gamzee are over there. By that giant hole in the planet. That's where the Tumor was buried initially. John dug it out with the Windy thing._

_See, our session was broken. We only had 24 hours before the Reckoning, which was basically the End by meteors. 24 hours to make a universe._

_We didnt make it. So we Scratched into the Alphaverse._

_Their session was broken, too. Missing some parts._

_The reason the trolls became important at all is because our session leaked into theirs in the form of one NPC: Jack Noir._

Who?

_He's a double agent who, in the game, can kill the Black Queen, one of the final bosses, early. Ours got overcharged by Jade's DevilDog guardian- don't really make me explain, just take my word for it- and he literally *broke through the veil* and sliced through to the trolls' game. They had won- it took them 612 hours, but they won. Jack denied them their reward- the universe they created._

_Ours._

Wh-

_Yeah. The Zodiac Theory is the one. Really. We were narrowly stopped from having twelve immortal preteen gods wrecking all our shit all the damn time._

_But there was another: just like Jack, but not._

_She used to go by Peregrine Mendicant, but we call her Blanche most of the time. It's a quadrant flip- he killed all her friends and forced her to be like him, but she's just so damn attractive he's flushed._

Oh?

_They are on the Side of Jade, because again they're partly her dog and don't ask. So when they realized that we weren't aiming to fuck up all her shit, they agreed to hate each other and protect the Mayor on Jade's planet._

Why?

 

_Because someone needed to work the sendificator for this bit._

_[vworp vworp]_

_We mail-ordered a crypt bed._

You can do that?

_Apparently. The Mayor, as a product of the Game, can hack further into the equipment than we could._

_He pulled out the Blood Crypt Bed and nobody even noticed it was gone._

Why didn't you do this earlier?

_Red time, blue time. We needed to wait until we got to this version of Skaia or hell would have broken loose. He would have respawned gog knows where and I dont think we would have been able to get him back._

_So crypt bed, right?_

It's like six feet in the air.

_It hangs in the air exactly the way bricks don't._

It's over Karkat.

_Exactly._

_[crushing noise]_

_The first respawn is free. No 8r8ks and no exchanges. We were gonna have a Knight of Blood, so yay._

You don't seem thrilled.

_I love Karkat, man, but damn it all. That comes back._

_But in the meantime, Meenah tries to catch Dirk and Aranea._

Don't-

 

_She's not that stupid. She doesn't run my brother through for throwing a severed head at her red quadrant, if that's what you're insinuating, though she did steal his glasses. Meenah Peixis wants answers._

Pale?

_Flushed._

Really.

_Yeah. She had a bit of a thing for Karkles, but nothing compared to Aranea's hella gigantic redrom riot._

_Aranea didnt leave on a good note. Meenah's pissed. Flung Aranea on the ground with her 2x3 prong and just._

Just? Was she a god?

_No. I was being dramatic, Mister C. Meenah grilled the fuck out of Aranea, and Dirk just kinda tried to make sure they weren't all killed._

But they're dead already.

_That is the Lord English special: Double Death, all day every day. This is the only version of Meenah we've met really, and she tried to raise an army for the shared cause, so yeah. Dirk's interested in her continued survival._

_She's got his glasses, after all._

Where's John?

_Y'know, I don't know. Ever since he fucked up some shit he's been fading out of reality a bit, in a literal sense._

_He'll be back in a second. Just in time to watch Karkles._

What's so bad about this, again?

 

_Well, y'see amazing technicolor revival over there?_

Yeah?

_It's a beacon. For everything. Right here, right now, we are Battery fuckin' City._

_Usually its no big whoop, but now... Ha. Now it's the most important thing._

Why?

 

_Because, so I learned, this was the only timestream where we pulled this Crypt Bed thing off. Everything is on its way. Here. Now. This very spot._

Oh no.

 

_Space is torn in two places, in fact._

_Where Jade and Kan died and where the Tumor was._

_So we have this._

_[clatter and annoyance]_

Is that an army of skeletons coming out of that crater.

_It is indeed. Lead by Casey, or whatever bullshit name Lalonde gave it. But they're not the only thing coming in._

_You see, we had assumed in the twisted symmetry that is this fucking game, Callie prime would be a great force that overcame her evil brother. And that she would be on our side._

_We were so, so wrong._

_Through the Space Player tear, we survivors end up in a cherub sammich. Evil Lord English, and Calliope the Winner. Also evil by apathy and selfishness and whatever the fuck but she wants to wipe us out too._

_It's a goddamn temper tantrum gone wrong._

_Karkat and John pop out of nowhere and they stop short. I do, too. I think everyone did at the sight of her._

_She was tall and slender. The first thing we noticed about her, probably, was her stature._

_We were demoted to extras in attack on titan. All of us._

_The second thing we noticed was her face._

_Calliope as we knew her spoke like she was from London and all she wanted to be was a troll. She wandered around in cosplay and everything._

_This woman was not her._

_She had big, huge eyes. Emeralds. Literally._

_She had a long, black scarf. Space, literally._

_She had no magic wand. No staff. No anything._

_We thought it was over when Lord English raised his typewriter at her. He fired and fired and fired but she just stood there. The bullets fucking bounced off the air around her. She didn't lift a finger to stop them but they fucked off._

_Guess who they hit._

No _._

_They were double-death guaranteed. So Dirk took the hit for Meenah._

Why?

_Because he had lost everything._

_That's so cliche, but he also settled that fucking tab before he went._

_I like to think it was so that Meenah had a chance at her redrom thing, for the sole reason that she had the balls to take his sunglasses._

_It might have just been for the irony._

Hunh.

_Yeah._

_But then Lord English needed more ammo. So while he was distracted, fractions of seconds to rip some moments out of some sod's life for his armory, Callie shifted._

Oh _._

_For context, Rose, at one point, became what we call 'Grimdark'._

_She went to the Horrorterrors, at the edges of the universe and in every dark corner, but came back whole enough. So when she took in Casey, Rose taught her some of the Dark Ritual or whatever the fuck._

And?

_Lord English is the Lord of Time._

Yes.

_It's an active class. He himself rips up time to do his shit._

Yes.

_Calliope is a Muse of Space. Who do you think does her dirty work._

Not the Horrorterrors.

_The Horrorterrors._

_She turned Casey's army against us._

_They swept up the girls, Casey and Meenah and Aranea, and took them through the rift, jegus save them._

Are they dead?

_I hope._

_So it's the three of us._

_And Gamzee._

Where did Terezi go?

_He touched her. She came to us._

Oh no.

_Karkat was flushed for her for years._

Oh no.

 

_So he went to her. She couldn't fly. So he tried to pick her up._

Did it work?

 

_Yes._

_Until he realized she was a Chucklevoodoo._

_[phasing]_

_He picked her up *by the noose she tied herself*._

No. No. This is written badly.

_She was already dead. Or he killed her. Both are bad to think. But he dropped her body. I don't know what happened to it._

_So now it's the three of us and Gamzee. We're all petrified to move, even that clownfaced fucker._

_God forbid they realize that they missed some of us._

_But then Aradia._

What

_There is no such thing as a loose end._

_She twists her box, and catches their attention._

Is that

 

_Yes. She is standing right behind Gamzee. But which one. I don't know. I don't know how many there are now. I don't know anything._

_But there was a pop of space and a half second and both of them were gone._

Where?

_Gone._

_But the next thing I know, John has our hands and we're moving. I have no idea what they're doing to try and kill us or if we were just collateral damage in the bigger battle but there was so much._

_I kinda lost it._

_I was holding onto the timestream for dear life. Someone had to keep it together. Things were being violently edited in other places._

Collateral damage?

_Yes._

_If we weren't burning before, we were melting frozen hell now._

What was happening to the other lines?

_Starting from the other end, they were being torn apart. But not closed._

_He was farming them. Looping them in the moment and the moment and the moment so that he could just rip them apart again._

_Calliope Prime was trying to stop him, of course._

Oh?

_I thought I had killed the Horrorterrors. Skaia knows I tried._

But?

_They faked it._

_They hid._

_They came back._

_The Horrorterrors are the final Omnipresence that I have the displeasure of dealing with. Actively._

Why do you say that?

_Because here they come._

_They started corrupting the lines like a computer virus. Those lines are open and technically functional, but they're corrupted terribly, and the infection is heading this way. As a result, the Game did what it did._

Which was?

_It started to encode them._

Consequence?

_Well, locks can be unlocked with a key. We can't crack the code. For all the cheating and gamebreaking we did, outright rewriting code is still not our division._

_The worlds, individual universes, each and every one, started to dissolve around Skaia. Everything outside is gone, either to Horrorterror or to English, but everything inside becomes static. Unchangeable._

_Whatever could have been salvaged was being eroded._

Oh my.

_Do you know what that does to the Knight of Time? The one who should be protecting and presiding?_

No. What?

_It hurts like HELL._

_It got really hard to clutch onto this universe. It got really hard to see straight._

_Going around with Egderp and riding the windy thing wouldn't work forever._

_We all knew that._

_Karkat is the one who acted on it._

How?

_We were spotted._

_He jumped._

Jumped?

_Down to the ground, from wherever the hell we were. He started running past bodies... And the blood, the literal, actual blood splattered across the battlefield, started responding._

Wh-?

_Don't even ask. Karkat got the tiger before your very eyes, and none of us have any idea how the Blood-y thing is supposed to work._

_It seemed to be happening, whatever it was._

_The amazing technicolor bloodsnake started to snake its way up their legs. Pulling them closer together._

For what?

_Well, cherubs share a body as kids. We'd call it multipersonality disorder. While one waked, the other sleeps._

_The beauty of dreamselves, right?_

_The point of them is that the stronger personality survives. They find a mate like the one they lost, do the thing, and make another twosided baby._

_These two tyrants were born when they killed their respective sibling early. It sticks them in this in-between state._

_Blood, as we knew, has more than a literal definition._

_Flying blind as fuck, but well, Karkat was unifying them again._

The point?

_It had been foretold that I would kill Lord English. That he was killable._

_If they were in the same body, there was a good chance Calliope would die, too._

Miraculous.

_Exactly._

_It might have worked, too._

_[shouting]_

_But then that idiotic motherfucker showed up again. For the last time._

No.

_They were pale, once. Karkat stopped him from murdering everyone left._

No _._

_We thought Karkat could calm anything, despite being an ornery bastard._

No _._

_But we were wrong._

_Karkat took one look at Gamzee and smiled. Someone was still alive. He extended his hand._

_Gamzee cut it off._

"Mutantblooded freak."

_Karkat flipped out. Shoved him into the bloodstream. Gamzee was dead!_

Really?

_No._

_He leapt out, covered in blood..._

_He...That asshole... slit Karkat's throat._

_Karkat motherfucking Vantas, drowned in his own fucking blood. It rushed to go join the stream, didn't even give him a recovery opportunity._

_Fuck every mirror in all time._

But that isn't Heroic or Just?

_You're right._

_He might have killed a person and tried to actively murder another after they cut off his hand._

_Paradox space calls that justice now, apparently._

_We were horrified. The blood stopped short, fell to the ground in a wave that would take down Strex Tower._

_Then, well..._

_I started to slip. Slipping and slipping and slipping._

_Everything I had been stopping: Horrorterrors, English, Encoding... It happened all at once. Give them an inch and they take the whole goddamn multiverse._

_The Cherubs didn't notice. I was falling apart at the seams._

_John stopped._

_He just... Stopped._

_I looked up._

_The sky was coming down. Everything was going to hell._

_But there was one thing._

What?

_Caliborn had corrupted the game once, though not on this scale. John was able to dispel it with the Windy thing._

_So he set me down. I couldn't fucking move, much less stop him._

_"Bye, Dave. Love you... Till the end of time."_

Oh no.

 

_The response was "As long as I breathe."_

_I couldn't say it. There was no way._

_John did the windy thing, straight into the maw of encoded space. Like a fucking animal. It closed behind him._

Did it work?

_No._

_I looked up. Stared at Lord English and Calliope._

_They were as trapped as I was. Spread across all time, but prisoners to the code,_

_So I burned the timeline. But more than that._

_I burned them all. Everything. Gone._

_But not me._

_Here I am, living community radio. The intern life._

_[loudly]_

_Are we done? I'm gonna miss my show._

_For motherfucking now._

_[phone buzzes]_

_Hey, Mister C. It's probably Carlos. You should take that._

_How long have we been gone?_

_We haven't. That was a suspended moment in time._

_How often does this happen?_

_You don't wanna know. Anyway, I'm going home._

_You gonna be okay?_

_I'll live. I always do. Goodnight._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cecil wasn't boring! He was dumbstruck! Struck dumb. Dumbstuck? Stuck dumb? Sorry.
> 
> BONUS: find the references! I've been watching eight tons of television.


End file.
